You reminded me of my, not so long before, past. I have lived like this for 2.5 decades. Reading these lines really shaked me. I really wish i could help you somehow. I feel guilt for not being able to give a hand to someone like me to escape this darkness. But i have found out that it is all on our own. There is no magic solution. No tricks or something like this. I wish you from deep within my heart to find your own way to escape this labyrinth. I would be so glad to see you finding your own way to leave all this behind.