Anxiety/Depression/ADHD/PCOS mini-rant..
I feel like I'm stuck in quicksand; panicked, like I seriously need to do something to move forward (on like 7 specific projects and goals at once), but also feeling a little paralyzed with fear and anger at myself. It's so funny that something as simple as a few hours of studying or cleaning my room could make me feel that deeply scattered and stuck and ashamed. Sometimes I feel inspired and fine, but sometimes I feel *so* afraid that I'll keep to sabotaging myself forever and it'll hold me back in a serious way. It's the same with food; two steps forward, two steps back, over and over.
I've been trying to get started on some studying since 1:00 this afternoon, and I haven't done a thing. My room is a mess even though I've been meaning to clean it for months. These things are so small, but they feel so BIG. Why do I do this to myself? How can day after day pass with me knowing my goals and not checking them off? I'm 22 years old; how are these things still so hard for me? What's wrong with me? I feel like I'm watching myself from the outside - watching myself make a plan and then blow it off, make a plan and then blow it off.. I'm feeling so mad at myself.
It's like I'm forcing my way upstream. I feel pressed on by low energy levels, overwhelmed with a tense/defeated mood, and like I just can't settle my mind down. I can hardly finish a thought before the next one jumps in, and many of them are fearful or painful.I impulsively watch youtube videos and listen to podcasts and cook to drown the thoughts out because there's just too many at once and it's uncomfortable to sit in silence with them. Hours later I'm looking up, kicking myself for not being more productive, and the guilt feels so heavy that I distract again.
I know I'm not a bad person, I know I'm not unintelligent, I know I'm capable, I know how to set goals.. I truly feel confused and scared by this tendency to waste time. At this point trusting and believing in myself makes me feel naive. I wouldn't trust somebody else who acted this way to get things done, so why should I trust myself to get things done? Why should I trust myself to do *anything*?
Sometimes I feel like I have no other choice to to resign myself to under-achieving, but that feels scary too, so I remain in this weird, unsettled state of limbo.
I know I'm in a process and deep down I do love myself and know I'll be alright. It's a nice day out, my boyfriend loves me, I feel strong in my faith and Loved by God in spite of everything.
I'm just stuuuuuck... :'(
