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Getting sick was probably the best thing that happened to me.
I saw an old Facebook post today, back from when I was that other person - the one I don't even recognize anymore and sometimes feel like I'm hiding from. She was celebrating being hired for a new position at a new company. It was a big time job for big time money, and I remember her feeling like this was it, that the dues had finally all been paid and she had finally made it and was going to finally reap her rewards.
She got two years before it started falling apart, maybe not even that looking back and seeing the symptoms for what they really were.
We still don't know exactly what it is. There have been more than few theories. An extended virus? A digestive disorder? Sphincter of Oddi Dysfunction? Fibromyalgia? We just don't know. All we know is that it's definitely a zebra. Tests are always just within the margins. My doc says that my body does an amazing job at maintaining homeostasis, and while that's a benefit as far as my blood pressure and blood sugar go, it sucks when you're trying to figure out why other things are spazzing out.
But getting sick... saved me. I liked having power. I liked being in control. I liked the money, and the attention, and the jealousy, and the status. I liked it all so much, that I focused on nothing else. And in that time, my husband was out doing I still don't even know what all, and my mother was practically raising my kids, and I had no meaningful friendships only people who wanted something from me.
I wasn't a good person. I wasn't a good wife. And I definitely wasn't a good mother.
I'm not going to pretend that I'm super awesome now. I'm still most definitely a work in progress. But I feel like I've gotten my priorities straight, like I've learned what real love is and how to give it, and this feels good. I feel like the more I turn from the way I used to be, the more blessed I am, and I can't help but be grateful that I had this wake up call.
I'm thankful that I got sick. But the weirdest thing? As I've grown, I've healed. The further I get from that person I used to be, the fewer attacks I have, the more energy I have, the more life I have in me.
I don't know what purpose this post serves other than exploring if one can have a sickness of the soul. Not being possessed by evil or anything like that, but if you can be so removed from everything that connects you meaningfully with the world around you that it makes you physically sick in ways that can't be medically identified, and that righting that imbalance can remove the sickness.
I don't know. But whatever path I'm on currently seems to be the right one, in more ways than one.
ダイエットカレンダーを表示, 2018年 06月 5日:
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1324 kcal
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脂質: 54.50g | たんぱく質: 107.55g | 炭水化物: 102.45g.
朝食: Herbalife Nutritional Shake Mix - Pralines & Cream, Herbalife Protein Drink Mix - Vanilla. 昼食: Nectarines, Heinz Tomato Ketchup, Kroger Hot Dog Buns, Oscar Mayer Bun-Length Hot Dog Wieners. 夕食: Ghirardelli Dark Chocolate Chips, Brownberry Oatnut Whole Grain Bread, French's Classic Yellow Mustard, Kraft Miracle Whip Dressing, Cooked Egg White. 軽食/その他: Rotisserie Chicken (Skin Not Eaten), Herbalife Nutritional Shake Mix - Dutch Chocolate, Herbalife Protein Drink Mix - Vanilla. もっと...
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